A Day in the Life of Draco Malfoy
by Caddy and Arkie
Summary: Draco Malfoy, proclaimed genius and snob of Slytherin, has a to do list that he has to follow otherwise he will be shipped off to the mental asylum. Yet to do lists always seem to cause problems for Draco...


A Day in the Life of Draco Malfoy

By Caddy/Duck Goddess

A/N: These characters DO NOT belong to me! They belong to JK Rowling! This one-shot takes place in an alternate sixth year so Snape is still the Potions professor and Draco isn't being all mysterious.

Draco Malfoy sprang up in bed, his cold, grey eyes wide open. He instantly reached for his 'to-do' list on his bedside table and read it, nodding with approval. "I am God," he muttered. The first thing on his list was:

_1. Shower and check muscles_

Draco smirked and strode into the bathroom. He turned the shower on and sighed. "I am God," he mumbled again. He squeezed some shampoo and rubbed it into his sleek hair, sighing and constantly saying, "Now, _this_ is shampoo!" Of course, Draco rinsed it and put conditioner in it next. After he rinsed his hair again, he stepped out of the shower with a towel around his waist.

He walked to the front of the bathroom mirror and smirked, winking and pointing at the mirror in a Joey Tribbiani kind of way. He flexed his arms and tensed his stomach. Draco smiled when he saw his rippling biceps and six-pack. Sadly for Draco, he did not know that the mirror was making fun of him (it was an illusion) and that he was a pale, frail stick without rippling biceps and a six-pack.

Draco went back into the dorm and checked his list again for the second item.

_2. Brush teeth and shave_

Draco sighed and rolled his eyes when he read this bit. He took a deep breath and bellowed, "CRABBE! GOYLE!"

They instantly sat up in bed and said simultaneously, "Yes, Malfoy?"

Draco frowned and narrowed his eyes. "What did you call me?"

Crabbe and Goyle sweat dropped and instantly said nervously, "We mean, Master, sorry, Master."

Draco nodded. "That's better. Now," he thrust the parchment into their faces, "It's time to shave."

Crabbe and Goyle sighed inwardly and followed Draco into the bathroom. Draco sat on the toilet seat and waited patiently. Crabbe grabbed the toothbrush and toothpaste and said monotonously, "Open."

Draco opened his mouth and Crabbe reluctantly brushed his teeth. "Spit," said Crabbe and Draco spat the toothpaste into the sink. He gurgled with mouthwash and patted his mouth dry.

"Now, it's time for shaving," said Draco happily.

Goyle grunted and grabbed the magical razor. He inspected Draco's face and said, "You don't have any facial hair."

"Yes, I do!" said Draco petulantly. He jabbed a spot on his chin and said, "That's facial hair!"

"Um, I think that's a zit," replied Goyle, peering at the spot closely.

"JUST SHAVE!" Draco roared. Goyle inwardly rolled his eyes and started shaving. He kept muttering, "Your hair's too white to be seen anyways," and "Stupid ponce."

At that last comment, Draco snarled dangerously, "What did you say, Goyle?"

"Nothing, Malf – I mean, Master," said Goyle hastily while Crabbe sniggered.

"That's what I thought," said Draco, jutting his chin out. He then stood up importantly and went outside. He picked up his 'to-do' list and put two ticks beside 'Shower and check muscles' and 'Brush teeth and shave'. However, he still needed to do the third thing.

_3. Gel back hair._

"Ah, my favourite bit," said Draco cheerfully. Crabbe and Goyle exchanged glances and grabbed the hair gel from Draco's bedside table. When he saw this, he growled and snatched the hair gel away from them.

"Do you think I would let two _amateurs_ do my hair?" Draco hissed, his eyes turning into slits. "I think not!" He let out a 'hmph' before going into the bathroom _again_ and slamming the door shut. Crabbe and Goyle exchanged bewildered glances.

Draco was about a centimetre away from the mirror as he gelled back his silky, white-blond hair. When he finished, he poked it and nodded satisfactorily when he found that it was rock hard. "The ladies will love this," he said gleefully.

_4. Get dressed._

"Now, this I will have to do alone," said Draco to himself. "I don't want Crabbe and Goyle to perv on my hot body, do I?" He went to his wardrobe and frowned. Draco had so many different coloured robes and he did not know which one he should choose. Although Hogwarts rules were black robes, Draco did not care because Daddy Malfoy would take care of it i.e. by murdering.

"Hmm…" Draco mused, stroking his chin. "I think I feel a bit pink today." He took out his hot pink robe and hugged it. "You're so beautiful," Draco said lovingly to his robe. "You'll look even more beautiful on _me._"

Draco put it on and went to the bathroom _again_. He twirled around and flapped his arms around and said happily, "I would _love_ to be a fairy!" Draco then put on a more masculine pose by checking how his muscles looked in the hot pink robe. "I look hot," decided Draco before going outside.

_5. Diss Potter, the Weasleys and Granger_

Draco, Crabbe and Goyle arrived at the Great Hall and everyone instantly whispered about Draco's hot pink robes. "Does he think he looks hot in that?" said a gossipy girl in Hufflepuff. "Ew!" Unfortunately for her, Draco had heard that comment and sent her a glare that said, 'My whole family are Death Eaters and will come after you and your family.'

Suddenly, Draco remembered the fifth item on his list and strutted to the Gryffindor table, Crabbe and Goyle in tow. Harry Potter, Ron and Ginny Weasley and Hermione Granger looked up as the Slytherins' shadows loomed over them.

"What do you want, ferret?" Ron snarled.

"Hello, Scarhead, Weasel, Weaslette, Mudblood." Draco sneered at each of them as he acknowledged their presence.

"Call her a mudblood again and blood will be the only you'll be after I'm finished with you," Ron growled, standing up. Harry and Ginny stood up as well in case they needed to hold Ron back.

"Ooh, touchy. Bet you inherited that from your fat mother," said Draco cruelly, poking Crabbe and Goyle in the ribs. They instantly laughed weakly at his lame insult.

"I mean," said Draco hastily, trying to recover from his feeble remark, "if children was money, you Weasleys would be rich!" He looked pointedly at his slaves and they sniggered, resisting the urge to tell him that he had used that particular insult in first year.

"But of course," Draco said to Ron, ignoring the fact that both Weasleys looked ready to kill, "with the way _your _sister spreads her legs, you'll become billionaires!" This time, it was Harry who needed to be held back by Hermione. "But then," Draco continued, "the way Mudblood acts, you – Weasel – won't have any money at all! You'd have to borrow money from Scarhead and Weaselette!"

_CRACK! _Surprisingly, it was not Ron who threw the punch but Hermione. The small bookworm had decked him so hard that he was lying on the floor, seeing stars. Then, Ginny followed the older girl and kicked him hard in the ribs. Draco winced and prayed that he would survive this. The petite girls knelt down beside him and smiled maliciously; after seeing those smiles, Draco gulped.

"If you ever insult me, my family or my friends like that again," Ginny said furiously, "I will…" she trailed off, but she cracked her knuckles as a warning.

Draco gulped again and couldn't help blurting out, "But it's on my to-do list! I have to do it _every day_! I won't be able to survive a day without dissing you!"

"Well, there's a first time for everything," said Hermione, smiling innocently, leaning towards him. Despite the fact that the comment would probably cause him to get hurt, Draco couldn't help saying, "Ooh, boobies!" as he looked at Hermione's chest. This caused him to get a smack in the face.

_7. Eat breakfast._

After Draco visited the Hospital Wing, they sat down at the Slytherin table. "Hmm…" said Draco thoughtfully, "I think I want some beans on toast, bacon, fried tomatoes and…" he looked around the table before saying, "kippers." When Crabbe did not do anything, Draco said impatiently, "Some time today, you incompetent oaf!"

Rolling his eyes, Crabbe reluctantly got Draco's plate and filled it with the food he mentioned. He handed it to Goyle, who grabbed a knife and fork and cut up all the food. He then grunted, "Open up" to Draco and placed the food in the blonde's mouth. "Eat." Draco chewed, swallowed and said haughtily, "More."

Goyle continued feeding Draco, and when Draco finished eating, pushed a goblet of iced pumpkin juice so violently to his mouth that it spilt all over his beloved hot pink robes. Draco immediately stood up, gasping and waving a hand in front of him feverishly as he stared down at his ruined robes. Goyle winced and knew that Draco would start hyperventilating soon. The whole of the Great Hall went silent.

"YOU – YOU," Draco roared, struggling for breath, "YOU IDIOTIC IMBECILE! Hey, alliteration," he added to himself. He shook his head and glared at Goyle. "You will pay," he hissed. "You wait till my father hears about this!" With that, he stalked off, his big blonde head held high. After the doors to the Great Hall closed, the whole school erupted into giggles.

_6. Go to lessons_

After Draco changed his robes, he returned to the Great Hall, still fuming. He collected his bag from the Slytherin table and said impatiently, "Well, come on!" to Crabbe and Goyle. Crabbe immediately jumped up and shuffled over to Draco's side, taking his schoolbag as Draco held it out disdainfully. Goyle still sat at the table, unsure whether or not he should follow. Draco noticed this and said huffily to Crabbe, "Can you tell that imbecilic ROBE-RUINER over there that if he should still sit there like a brainless idiot – which he is – I will tell my father to AVADA KEDAVRA HIM." Goyle quickly stood up after that comment.

Draco shot another death-stare at Goyle before asking Crabbe, "What do I have next?"

"Double Potions, Master," Crabbe answered dutifully.

"Excellent," said Draco cheerfully, "we have Snape…I don't have to do anything! But I see you two don't have Double Potions – not intelligent enough," he added smugly.

"That's right, Master," sighed Crabbe.

"Well, what are you standing there for?" Draco snapped. "Give me my bag!" Crabbe returned it, waiting for the moment his 'master' dismissed him. Draco peered at Crabbe, as if he was worthy enough to be dismissed. Finally, Draco said, "Dismissed." Crabbe and Goyle ran down the hall, yelping happily and crying, "WE'RE FREE!"

"Mad plebeians," said Draco, shaking his head.

_7. Torture first-years_

Draco arrived at the dungeons and found that Snape had not arrived yet. He sighed boredly and leaned against the wall, scanning the corridor for Potential Targets for Torture, abbreviated into PTTs. He smirked malevolently when he spotted a timid-looking, Hufflepuff first-year.

Draco sneaked up behind the PTT and sneered, "Hello." The PTT jumped about five feet in the air and started shaking. When he saw who was behind him, he moaned, "Oh no. Not again! You tortured me last week! I haven't even recovered fully…"

"Well, I'm sure we can work out some sort of arrangement. When I'm bored, I torture you and you don't tell anyone," said Draco nastily, twirling his wand in his fingers.

"Oh, Merlin…" said the PTT with wide eyes as he saw the wand. "Why me? I'm a pure-blood!"

"REALLY?" exclaimed Draco with surprise. "I always thought you were a mudbl-"

"OI!" someone shouted and there were thundering footsteps. It was Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger, looking flushed and furious.

"What are you doing?" Ron demanded as the PTT quickly slipped away.

"Damn it!" Draco muttered when he saw the PTT get away. "How dare you question me? I'm a prefect!" he added to Ron and Hermione, glaring.

"So are we," Hermione pointed out, pointing to their red and gold badges. Draco felt his cheeks heat up and quickly changed the subject. "So, where are Potty and Weaselette? Shagging in a broom cupboard? With the Weaselette being such a slut and Potty so desperate, I wouldn't be surprised if…" Draco trailed off when he saw Ron's wand pointing to his throat.

However, Draco was saved when a greasy voice murmured, "Fighting, Weasley? Fifty points from Gryffindor!" Ron swore and Draco heard Hermione scold him by whispering, "You shouldn't have done that! You know Harry's had a 'Harry incident'!" Draco smirked and walked into the cold, grimy dungeon.

_8. Suck up to Snape_

While Snape prowled around the dungeon, Draco was cursing and wiping sweat off his forehead. He looked over at Hermione Granger and saw that she was waving her wand feverishly over her cauldron, her already bushy hair getting bushier and bushier by the second. Ron Weasley looked more like Draco – he was perspiring, flushed and sneaking looks at Hermione to see what she was doing. Harry Potter's usual seat was empty; he was presumably at the Hospital Wing after his 'Harry incident'.

"Weasley," Draco heard Snape say softly, "what is this meant to be?"

"Er…Veritaserum?"

"Veritaserum is meant to be clear, not –" Snape's upper lip curled "-pink."

"Yeah, I think I already realised that," said Ron fiercely, his face the same shade as his hair.

Snape narrowed his eyes and hissed, "Detention. Maybe you'll learn to hold your tongue in front of a teacher. See me after class and we'll discuss the details." Ron swore violently under his breath while Draco sniggered.

Snape stalked over to Draco's cauldron and said loudly so the whole class could hear, "This is the opposite of Weasley's, Malfoy. It is actually _transparent_ and not pink. Twenty points to Slytherin."

"I could only produce this kind of potion with _you _as a teacher, professor. You should really ask for a higher salary, sir, you're much better than the likes of Professors McGonagall and Flitwick. I'm sure my father will be able to help," Draco said slimily, smirking as Ron scowled.

"We'll see," Snape replied curtly, though the expression on his face betrayed his feelings.

"Why did he say all those things to you, Malfoy?" Theodore Nott hissed curiously in his ear. "Your potion's orange!"

"You'd better shut up before my father kills you," said Draco quietly, shooting him a death-stare. Nott gulped audibly.

_9. Finish lessons, return to the Common Room and brag_

"See?" said Draco at the top of his voice as a crowd gathered around him. "Look at how black it is – it burns too!"

"But Drakie, you're only sixteen!" said Pansy, looking at his left arm with awe. "And doesn't it hurt?"

"Only a little bit," Draco replied, shrugging nonchalantly. Crabbe and Goyle exchanged dark looks; they had seen their 'master' writhing on his bed, wailing, "AARRGGHH! IT HURTS! MMMUUUMMMMMYYY!"

Draco noticed the exchange and hastily changed the subject. "Look at this!" He brandished a brand-new broomstick and the crowd saw that it was a Firebolt.

"Now you'll be able to beat Potter!" someone shouted excitedly.

"Of course I will. I was always better than him anyways. He just had a better broom," lied Draco skilfully.

"Then how come he beat you in second year when you had a better broom than _him_?" Blaise Zabini piped up.

"Um…er…" Draco stuttered, trying to think of something to say. Finally, he gave up and screamed, "I HATE YOU! CURSE YOU! MY FATHER WILL GET YOU!" With that, Draco stormed down the stairs to the boys' dormitory and slammed the door shut. The whole common room was silent until Blaise drawled, "He really needs some new lines."

_10. Write to Mummy_

Draco slammed the door shut and sat on his bed, crossing his arms and shooting death-stares to all the inanimate objects in the room. Eventually, he grabbed a piece of parchment, a quill and ink and began to write.

_Dear Mummy,_

_I HATE EVERYONE! Except for you of course. Everyone's so mean to me and I want all of them to die! Try to torture Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Gregory Goyle, Theodore Nott and Blaise Zabini first. _

_I hate Potter because I am so jealous of him, Weasel because he stopped me from torturing a first-year, Mudblood because she's top of the year, Weaselette because she beat me up, Goyle because he ruined my HOT PINK ROBES (I know! He should die!), Nott because he said my potion was orange and Zabini because he said that Potter was better than me at Quidditch!_

_KILL THEM ALL, PLEASE! And thank you for the chocolate frogs…they were most delicious._

_Love,_

_Drakie_

Draco called Crabbe and Goyle down and ordered them to repeat part of Step Two. He then changed into his Death Eater Youth pyjamas and went to bed, after giving Crabbe and Goyle another tongue-lashing about…well, nothing in particular. It was all a day in the life of Draco Malfoy.

A/N: Don't flame me, Draco fans! Review, please!


End file.
